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Saturday, May 14, 2011

Don't bother me, I'm busy doing nothing... pass the Pinot.

Introducing.........Our SECOND Guest Blogger (we're on a roll!):
Frank Hundley is a Los Angeles based stand up comedian who can be seen performing
all over town in any venue that will host him.
Check him out on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/frank.hundley
Frank will be performing every Tuesday in May at the 
Palms Bar in West Hollywood (8572 Santa Monica Blvd.)
So I finally quit my job to pursue my true passion, which is watching TV and day drinking. It just got to the point where I couldn’t balance a 40 hour work week and my TV viewing schedule, and I had to acknowledge that I wasn’t doing either well, so I decided to let the job go, and its working out really well.
I have to admit I’m struggling with the hours a little bit, it’s hard to get up for the beginning of Live with Regis & Kelley at 9am, but I usually catch the tail end of it which is all I need to get my brain warmed up for the Big Show: The View, and during Hot Topics I typically have my first glass of Pinot Grigio.
But after The View ends at 11am, I am right over to KTTV to accept that little gift from The Universe that is The Wendy Williams Show. How You Doin'? That is a fucking daytime TV star, and How You Doin'??? That is a catch phrase! I was missing moments with Wendy, because of my stupid fucking job, and this is a really important time for her…she’s going through some shit right now with her outrageous early exit from Dancing With The Stars, and there were moments happening on her show, and I was missing those moments, and you don’t get moments back…you got to show up for your life…
And the life I’ve always wanted for myself, ever since I was a little girl, was to be a lady of leisure, and finally I’ve achieved that, and all I had to do was nothing. I’m living the dream! After I fulfill my daytime TV commitments, I do have some other activities that bring balance to my life: like a midday aerobics class, or a trip to the dog park, and off course polishing off The Pinot Grigio while I catch up with my gal pals Ellen & Oprah. However, my real life begins at 7pm with Anderson Cooper’s orgasm inducing newscast: AC 360.
Anderson is truly the most stable male presence in my life, and we’re in a relationship, how else would you characterize it? We’ve had dinner together every weeknight for the past three years: he’s my boyfriend. The conversations are pretty one-sided, but its OK because I love getting lost in his cobalt blue eyes while he tells me about world events and I dream that one day he’ll do the news while he’s sitting on my face…and then that takes me right into Prime Time and that is a really busy time for me.
Right now, in Prime Time, I am living for Ru Paul’s Drag Race, which is the first and only hit from Logo, the basic cable channel for gays, and also lesbians, who are also gay. Who knew? Finally after years of Harvey Fierstein movie marathons, Logo has given the gays all we’ve ever wanted: trannies. Not just any trannies, but trannies that throw drinks in each other’s faces!
Trannies are now my all-consuming obsession. My remote control is now just a tranny conduit to me…I’m like bring me the trannies. Where are the tranny shows? More shows with trannies…why don’t we have a tranny channel yet?
The best part of Drag Race unquestionably happens backstage after the main stage show during Ru Paul’s Drag Race: Untucked. This is where the queens are encouraged to have as many Absolut vodka cocktails as they can consume and to get into knife fights with each other…and this is where Shangela Laquifa Wadley has really made her mark on the show.
Shangela is all about “keeping it real.” She’s Shangela; she “keeps it real.” Halleloo. She’s also all about making Halleloo happen as a catch phrase, and it’s like Shangela - its Logo, five gay guys are watching with their cats…Halleloo is never gonna happen. But anyway, Shangela keeps it real. She wouldn’t “say nothin’ behind your back that she wouldn’t say to your face,” which I hate…I’m like, can you please just say it behind my back?
I’m not in favor of keeping it real…ATALL…I wanna keep things as fake as possible…please be fake with me…I don’t want to know certain things…Like I don’t want to know how many calories there are in salad dressing. Fuck you. I got a salad. Can’t that be enough? You know what don’t answer that. Because, I don’t want to know. I don’t want to keep it real. For the love of god, please keep it fake…
As much as I admire Drag Queens, Drag is probably the one thing that I’m too butch to do…which has got to be some comfort to my father…but, I’ve got a very square jaw, and I just look like a German lesbian in drag.
But I do have an idea for another a Tranny-based show for Logo, as well as a couple of other show ideas for Logo. But the show focusing on the trans community is called “Tranny on the City Bus,” and it’s a half hour comedy series in the style of Sex and The City. It will star stand-up comedienne & pre-operative transsexual Dina Martinez, as she rides the Los Angeles Public Transit System, as well as any man that will have her. She’s Carrie Bradshaw…with a Bus Pass…and also a penis.
I’ve also got pitches targeting other parts of the Logo audience. Like my new friends: The Lesbians. This show is called “My Cat IS My Child.” Its really important that the IS be underlined and capitalized in the show title. This hour-long drama, starring Meredith Baxter Birney, will tell a story very relatable to Logo’s audience of childless lesbians cat owners. It’s the story of a woman and her quest to convince her family, friends, and co-workers that her aged cat really IS her child.
But the idea I’m most excited about is a Reality Competition series featuring hot gay guys, called “Crystal Meth Bender.” We’ll drop a group of Muscled Out Meth Addicts in the middle of a strange city, without their phones, and see which one can score meth the fastest. The winner gets a Garbage Bag Full of Crystal Meth and a Lifetime Membership to Gold’s Gym. It’s going to make great television, because believe me when I say: these guys will do anything to win. Plus the overhead is super low, because all you’re going to need is a camera and a garbage bag full of crystal meth.
Thanks for letting me share my thoughts with you, but my Tivo is starting to get backed up, so I have to run

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